After nearly 24 years of surgical practice, I would like to think that I have seen it all. Well, maybe not everything imaginable, but I have experienced my fair share of tall tales. I would like to share just a few of the post-op phenomena I have witnessed over the past 2 decades.

• Man's best friend. I once operated on a true dog lover. I got the feeling this fellow ate, slept and even bathed with one of his canine friends. When we removed the dressings on the first post-op visit after ACL surgery, several worms came squirming from the tibial wound. I kid you not. The presumed heartworms almost put our athletic trainer into shock. Thankfully, the patient never experienced an infection. (They do use maggots for wounds, don't they?) I wasn't sure if I should give the patient antibiotics or a worm collar!
• Workers' comp shuffle. After performing a successful hip arthroscopy on a rather pleasant young man, I received a text message from the PACU nurse. Alarmed and naturally thinking that the patient was experiencing some post-op complication, I was stupefied to see that the text essentially read: "Mr. Smith wanted you to know that his hip was fine BEFORE the work accident." Great. Now workers' comp patients are enlisting the services of PACU nurses. I asked the nurse to tell the patient I got the message. I was just hoping I wouldn't hear from his lawyer in the morning.

• The last detail. One poor chap had an extensive knee surgery for which I ordered a CPM (continuous passive motion machine). When the dutiful salesman delivered the CPM apparatus to the patient, he neglected to inform him to unlock his hinged knee brace before he started using the machine. As the patient kept dialing up the degrees of flexion, he didn't understand why the pain was worsening. Fact is, with a rigid knee brace in place, a knee CPM quickly becomes a hip CPM. This poor chap's hip got quite a workout. The only blessing was that his hip pain made him forget about the awful throbbing in his knee.

• The $60,000 dollar question. I had the pleasure of repairing a massive rotator cuff tear in a 60ish-year-old gentleman. On his first post-op visit, still donning his sophisticated abduction brace, and appearing in minimal pain, I was caught off-guard when the patient asked: "Doc, is it OK to have sex now?" Well, I guess you don't need 2 arms, and I suspect his pain level was minimal. After some careful reflection (and imagination), I assured the patient it was OK as long as he was careful. I have one thing to say: God bless him! I hope I have half his libido when I reach his age. A headache will stop me in my tracks — considerably less intrusive than shoulder surgery.
• Philly's finest. Years ago I performed a major reconstructive knee surgery on a Philadelphia police officer. The surgery entailed a tibial tubercle osteotomy, replete with saw cuts and compression screws. We instructed the patient to stay on crutches for 6 weeks and keep the brace on at all times. At about 3 weeks post-op, I was in V-tach when I beheld the patient walking into my clinic without crutches, a brace or a limp! In the words of Dr. Phil, I inquired: "What in the world are you thinking?" To which the officer replied: "I felt fine, so I thought it was OK." Wow — I wish I had his healing abilities!

Smile for a while
Yes, patients do and say the darndest things. That's what makes my job so exciting. I could do without the worm larvae, though.