DRAMA-FREE ZONE? There's a reason the OR is known as the operating "theatre."

Some days there's more drama in my operating room than on the set of General Hospital. Interpersonal conflicts. Mood disorders. Love affairs starting up and flaming out. And that's when everyone's in good spirits and has taken their medications. Some reruns never get old.

• Lunch relief. One of our scrub techs is notorious for returning several minutes late after his allotted hour off for lunch. This guy will be late for his own funeral. Some scrubs tolerate his tardiness, but others demonstrate angry responses, ranging from quiet complaining to outright rage. On one occasion I had to nearly call security when a scrub expressed abject fury. The 2 principles almost came to blows. I had to step in. I felt like I was on the set of NYPD Blue … all the while trying to remain sterile.

I went into orthopedics, not law enforcement!

• Instrument tray. I shudder when I hear the words, "Who pulled this case?" That usually spells trouble. When the fracture set is missing screws, "Houston, we have a problem!" On one memorable occasion, a very responsible scrub nurse, who discovered the incomplete tray, was written up for hurling obscenities over the phone to central processing. I witnessed the metamorphosis from pleasant, diligent nurse to Frankenstein's monster … all in a matter of moments. This particular nurse has great passion — and has been written up more than Bill Clinton.

IV Prozac stat to room 6!

• Romance (or lack thereof). I can always tell when 2 employees are having a fling. Whenever possible, they share the same OR, the same scrub sink and even the same straws at lunch. If a couple is on the outs, the tension between them is palpable. They avoid each other more than surgeons and trial lawyers. When they're forced to work in the same room, you can feel the negative energy. Then "triangulation" occurs with all communication. Ex-lovers A and B can be standing right next to each other, but they refuse all direct verbal exchange. As the unwilling third party, all information has to be transmitted through me. "Doc, would you please tell the circulator what you need!" The fun case rapidly turns into penance.

Couples therapist stat to room 6!

• 'I hate ortho.' Whenever the scrub nurse utters these words, I know the case will indeed be interesting. Feel the love! Truth is, every other surgeon refuses to work with this person, so I get the urology nurse who doesn't know the difference between a babcock and a stopcock. This particular nurse is in fact very bright, but has such bad obsessive-compulsive disorder that it literally takes her 20 minutes to prep a leg. Nice guys do finish last!

Thank God my staff usually is fairly even-keeled (unless I run late). Lord knows what the second shift will bring.