Behind Closed Doors: Say What?

A random sampling of providers’ most memorable (and absurd) phrases. 

Every profession has its own secret language, but it’s safe to say our workplace jargon is in a class of its own. We have a storied history of mnemonics, acronyms and devices to recall information on a dime. There are word games, songs, rhymes and handy-dandy little ditties. There are catchphrases learned in medical school and nursing schools that are forever ingrained in the deepest recesses of providers’ memories. 

In the OR, we’re taught “If in doubt, throw it out” whenever we have any doubts whatsoever about sterility, a phrase I will never forget. When learning the 12 cranial nerves, I was taught “On Olympus Towering Tops A Finn and German Viewed Some Hops.” I can’t find my keys most days but this will no doubt stay with me until I cross over to the other side.

Then there’s the absurd and sometimes ridiculous things people actually say in the OR. These Carlin-worthy linguistic bits of healthcare wordplay and wisdom have been passed down from provider to provider over the years. Most of these I heard with my own beet-red ears, but a few I found online during my insomnia-induced scrolling and felt compelled to share:

Blood, guts and guffaws

• “If the face is red, raise the head. If the face is pale, raise the tail.”

• “A chance to cut is a chance to cure.”

• “Nothing heals like cold, hard steel.”

• “For if it’s real, the solution is steel.”

• “GYN is the only specialty that can replace the uterus pound for pound with Chromic Catgut.”

• “Hot and dry, sugar high; cold and clammy, need some candy.”

• “Sepsis is an insult to a surgeon.”

• “The blood bank is the patient’s gas station.”

• “If it looks all right, it’s too tight; if it looks too loose, it’s alright.”

• “Never let the sun set on a bowel obstruction or undrained pus.”

• “Sick people complain about one thing. Healthy people complain about everything.”

• “God punishes those who mess with the Pancreas.”

• “Dyspareunia is better than no pareunia at all.”

• “Better to have a piece of peritoneum on the bowel, than a piece of bowel on the peritoneum.”

• “Never let the skin stand between you and the diagnosis.”

Only in ortho...

• “You always take me out for lunch when we finish screwing.”(a tech who didn’t want  •o leave until the implants were in)

• “A good assistant will always suck for you without being asked.” (without the slightest hint of irony or embarrassment, by a medical student)

“If you aren’t strong enough to hold the leg while we drill, you should find another occupation.” (an exasperated surgeon to a complaining med student)

• “Orthopedists think the heart is there only to pump the cefazolin to the bone.”

• “For a lap cholecystectomy, use three clips: One for the patient, one for the surgeon and one for the lawyers.”

• “There are only two kinds of bleeding you need to worry about: Bleeding you can hear, and bleeding that’s your own.”

• “Cut to the bone and leave the other specialties alone.”

Words of wisdom

• “All bleeding stops ... eventually.”

And, of course my personal favorite safety tip: “Fingers, toes, penis and nose” (in reference to where not to inject epinephrine). OSM