1. "Do you have a heart on?" What I meant to say: "Is there a heart on the schedule?"

2. "I can lift anything if I spread my legs." What I meant to say: "If I base my feet hips' width apart, I can use my legs instead of my back to lift the patient."

3. "Do you mop the floor?" (Well, yeah, for the last 25 years.) What I meant to say: "Did you mop the floor?"

4. "Yes, I'll stay over a little while." (Two hours later ... you're still there.)

5. "When is your baby due?" (Oops. She hasn't been pregnant in five years.)

6. "I can't get the pulse ox to work. Give me the finger." (Usually reserved for when your back is turned.)

7. Early in practice, a general surgeon went out to talk to the family after the hemorrhoidectomy procedure. "Well," he said, "we licked your husband's problem." His partners still haven't let him forget that one.

8. A female nurse and a male nurse were trying to connect some rather difficult equipment, but the monitors kept sliding off the shelf. After much frustration, she finally yelled, "I'll hold it if you'll just shove it in."

9. One nurse asked another at the scrub sink, "Do you think we could pay someone professional to improve his mood, or do they have their limitations as to what they'll do, too?"

10. A GYN surgeon was trying out a new waterproof drape on a vag hysterectomy. The patient was being done under a spinal. As the patient was being draped to expose the surgical site, the surgeon exclaimed, "Boy, that thing sure stinks." The patient said, "What did he say?" The anesthesiologist immediately gave some more Versed. Some drapes do have an odor.

11. A physician was about to do a vag exam and the department had run out of medium vag specula. The nurse handed him the only speculum left, which was a large. "Boy, that's a big one," he said. The mortified patient pulled the sheet up over her head.

12. While a blood pressure cuff was inflating, the patient complained about how tight it was. The nurse responded, "Yes, the first time is always the tightest." The CRNA in the room let out a cough.

13. Impatient surgeons have been known to reach over and grab items off of the mayo. Scrub nurses don't like this. One surgeon did it one time too many times and the nurse said, "Go ahead, Doctor, feel free to grab whatever you want." He looked at her, she looked at him. He decided to let her do her job.

14. A manager was overheard complaining about the behavior of one of the employees. A co-worker responded louder than she intended, "And just who was the genius who hired her?"

15. The wife of a rather attractive surgeon called numerous times during a long case that had extended into the wee hours of the morning. The circulator, rather tired, told the wife after about the fourth call, "Don't worry. I'm going to be spending the night with him, but I will have him call you when we're done."

16. "Ma'am, it's all over." There's something you really don't want to say when you address a wife after surgery.

17. A circulator said that her surgeons and male scrubs get a little miffed while tying their gown if you ask them "Are you in yet?"

18. "The manual terms this malfunction as operator error, doctor." (But the problem can't be operator error, of course. Whenever something stops working, you should read the manual, call the rep, blame the staff or determine whether the problem is the position of the moon. Because it's certainly not operator error.)